It's hilarious.
One minute, I'm leaning on the back of a chair, with my feet propped up on the table's edge, yawning and acting like I don't have a care in the world. (And oftentimes I honestly don't.)
The next, well, I'm walking along on the road to the library... (It's a quiet place to think sometimes, and since there's construction there really aren't many documents available at the moment, so, no, I'm not diligent.)
And I wonder...
What the hell do I want to do with my life?
I'm almost a loner, I'm not going to lie. It's not that I hate people or anything, it's just that I don't know what the heck I should say when I meet someone.
Dr. Laura from AM 640 (at least in the LA area), dictates that even with a bad childhood a person can have a good life.
I should probably get my hands on a copy of her book.
Yes, I know what some people are about to say:
"You! Loser! Hopeless Emo Kid! Do you know that there are countless people all over the globe who are suffering compared to you?! Stop with that 'I had a bad childhood and trauma' bullshit. There are child soldiers in Africa! There are child prostitutes in Southeast Asia! You're lucky to be a virgin and worry about all these things you son of a bitch!"
And they're absolutely right. I am a whiny little whimp at times.
At times I want to shove a brick up my own arse and let the pain force me to keep me moving forward towards a career, to shut up about all my little petty emotional disruptions.
Perhaps if I dehumanize myself, and use pain as a motivator, like those beasts of burdens or in the same manner as the slaveowners when they tortured the chattle slaves, I can stop whining and stop bitching and actually move forward in a robotic manner, doing something for society rather than sit back and whine.
You see, I tend to use the fact that I was humilated at a yong age as an excuse for why I am what I am today... And perhaps that can be a form of emotional distress that I can't seem to get over, despite the fact that I no longer curse any of the people who used to ridicule me.
I'm going to the Fall Reception for CSA, my college (UCSC)'s Chinese Student Association, and there I shall attempt to talk to new people.
But even now I wonder: what do I say? How do you strike up a conversation when there's really nothing in particular you want to talk about? Even though it's selfish for you to want to discuss something when you enter a conversation, well, there aren't that many things I want to listen to, to be perfectly honest.
Yes, I came here, to college, to learn stuff, but I detest lectures and I especially detest lectures that have any hint of Eurocentrism or Math, for I dislike (or in the former case despise) both concepts...
I know I'm probably closed-minded when it comes to some things, and open-minded when it comes to most, but it's difficult to discuss things like philosophy and scholarly-stuff when you barely know the person...
Yet I'm not exactly interested in small-talk...
So how shall I overcome this? I really have no freakin' idea, and writing about this has helped cool things down, but now I feel cold, bitter, and even more depressed.
So, oh well, please take care, you all.
Words of advice would be more than appreciated. (Hint, hint, if you'd mind... :P)
Comments (2)
I was browsing through my email when I saw an (belated beyond time) author alert on ff.net, so I thought I go check this author out!
Anyway, I believe expressing oneself through writing does make one feel better about oneself's esteem. I think you can overcome this problem by talking to your closest friends about how you really feel. If that does not work, you can talk to me.
@thatonegirl - Thank you, truly for your kind words. To be honest I left this site a long time ago, but was too lazy to remove it from my Fanfiction.net profile. I look back at these old, angsty posts and smile a little at how silly I was. Yeah, I felt kinda bad, but eventually I found friends like you mentioned. Mind you, that post was made almost a year ago, and things have changed substantially since then. I have a somewhat changed outlook on my life, no doubt achieved through plenty of activities with quite a few nice people.
At any rate, is there any way I can contact you, though? I'm happy to see that I do have fans who care.
I have a feeling that you're pebblekit from ff.net. I do think I'm likely wrong, though. :P